Christmas, why do I hate you?

Obviously, just based on the title, you can tell Christmas has not been any point good to me. Why, you may ask, simply put my job has gotten far worse than I have imagined due to this holiday. Remember I am one of those sad SOBs who have to go get carts so the weather is obviously an issue but for the past few weeks, it has not been that bad except for my driving around where I live. I have had to work out in blizzards and temperatures unsuitable for the human body.

As I said the last few weeks have not been that bad on the weather end of scale, now for the actual work end of it, things have gotten worse due to management making shit up as they go and playing personal bitch to corporates. Now due to this, we can no longer "pull" carts using a rope or a strap because according to corporate and their "reliable sources", that it's more dangerous to "pull" than "push". However, this is only justified in deep snow and slush which we have not had for about a month. Now you are probably thinking that your title says cart "pusher" after all right? Well, the thing is we have gotten so used to "pulling" that it has not become easy and we don't have very much pain. Well, now that we are "pushing", my lower leftside back has been in pain and I have a limp in my left leg, thanks Wal Mart.

However since I can't push for shit due to my muscles not being use to it, I have to abuse the cart machine which only is helpful when you have someone with you (which somehow our assistant manager has somehow overrided that rule so we can only have one person using it) and or when you have someone covering you on the other side of the store (which is very unlikely due to management not proof reading the schedules or changing it so there can be more than one person on that shift which is very bad for Christmas time). Since management is so concerned about our safety, they don't listen to us to have the back area salted or plowed so we can get the batteries to the battery cage or get us the cardboard needed to stack said batteries or help find our straps to actually somehow "push" the carts safely, nice job guys, I am really impressed to have you guys in charge of us. We might as well have Janeway or Archer in charge of the place, they'll eventually find a suitable way of killing us. "To good for them, I say"

Well, and the response for any call of help when needed is usually followed by an ignored raised eyes technique and then of course, us being Wal Mart's bitch, we have to answer everyone else's call for help and save their asses and cover them which is ironic considering that somehow we are supposed to know how to do that job and so on. Now on the more degrading end of the spectrum, they want us to pretty much wear burger king hats except their elf hats and our new name tag add on is "Gift Giver", why don't they just go out and say it that we are their slaves. However, thankfully due to the weather, I don't have to wear such a stupid thing since it's been raining and windy the past week so thank you Mother Nature. It would not be so bad if it was an actual Christmas hat, at least it would keep our head warm not soaking and help give us colds or pointless chewouts for sending us out there with it and wondering how they got destroyed.

Oddly, I think the customers have been decent to us despite the heavy downpour of them everyday to the point we have to practically use every inch of adrenaline just to make through the day. Hell, they agreed that playing Christmas music for almost 3 months is absurd and really annoying. I can't wait to find the player that is playing them on the speaker and smashing it with my handy baseball bat and then taking out my PSP to play Still Alive brought to you by the love of Glados, who would be a more kind torturer than our management. We will always have portals...

Now on the personal end of the scale, I don't seem to be learning many lessons as well as I should, however, I have gotten better at it alittle considering that my co worker who's also my best friend has a girlfriend and well, yeah, I naturally fall for her like a dope who sadly has had no companionship in ever. However, after a week of thinking about it, I gave up on her which breaks my record of going from 5 years to 2 years to 1 week doting on a girl who is impossible to grasp because I tend to like impossible and I am stupid that way. So my perfect strike out record is still perfect sadly.

Now to the youtube end of the scale, I will be delaying Ico till April where they will be releasing an Ico / Shadow of the Colossus compilation for the PS3. I have been working on P4 and I need to commentate over MMX4 and do another recording session of Ace Combat 4 and grind more in Scott Pilgrim Vs The Video Game. So yeah, sorry things have been slow just not in it lately. Then again I did proceed to piss off my best friend last week unintentionally via pestering him about P4 (really I was in conversational mood and was merely curious since I did not ask him in two weeks) which oddly enough that same week another good friend of mine was playing and stomped the hell out of that game, strange how that works. At this rate, I just wonder what I will do next to make things worse or something like that. Only time will tell at this point which I am afraid of. Well enough of my bitching about my shitty time at work and everything else in general. I really do hope things will get better otherwise I may be visited by the three ghosts of Christmas or I may end up stealing Christmas just to spite everyone whichever is first.

A Mobius Script That Has To End

For the past three to five months, I noted a change in a friend that I care very much so for. This change worried me and scared me since my experience with these kinda things is usually those who change leave me behind and well, you can guess the rest. This change was very minor however, it seemed far out of place considering how long I known her.

I was determined to figure out what caused it to the point of blind obsession due to how much I cared for her and how I didn't want to be left behind or anything like that. She, I felt, was one of the few people that understood me for who I am. This obsession led to all too common negative emotions and built up like the shadow that follows my every move and thought and engulfing me in this despair and rage. Soon I was revealed the answer that was staring me in the face like a snake and it bit. It bit harder than anything I had felt in my life and it consumed me with the venom it had. I began to write my feelings here but I stopped in the end because I... just could not do it, I realize how selfish I was being and could not handle it.

Soon I did not realize that she seen what little I wrote. She left a hint of this in her own way and deafening silence was left for me to think of when to confront her. Every day I dreaded confronting her until eventually I was given a push in the right direction. I admitted my feelings and how much of a coward I really am for what I did. All I wanted was things to go back to the way they were though really I just made it nearly impossible. The truly painful thing about this is I did this once before to a friend I really cared about and hurt them as well.

It made me realize how often I had been repeating my mistakes for some time and how it has held me back and lately, making me very indecisive and foolish in my life as it has been if you can call it a life. She has forgiven me for what I had done though however, I have not forgiven myself for being this foolish so called man who can never seem to move on nor truly learn from his mistakes. However, to some degree, you can call it courage to admit to yourself what you truly are. For the simple reason alone, no one is perfect we all do these things that makes us question who we truly are or who we are afraid to become. Logic and rationality don't go hand in hand with emotions nor the impulses that come with the species.

I need to face myself again and figure out how I can get out of this loop that I have made and finally move on with my life without having these things happening again and again and holding me back till there is no more left of me. I can't however face these battles on my own anymore since I have grown dependent on others. Though maybe out there I will find someone who will give me the willpower needed to win these battles but right now I will hold off until then.

*sigh* I can breathe easier now that I let that out. This will help me move on just alittle bit more every inch I can make.