For the past three to five months, I noted a change in a friend that I care very much so for. This change worried me and scared me since my experience with these kinda things is usually those who change leave me behind and well, you can guess the rest. This change was very minor however, it seemed far out of place considering how long I known her.
I was determined to figure out what caused it to the point of blind obsession due to how much I cared for her and how I didn't want to be left behind or anything like that. She, I felt, was one of the few people that understood me for who I am. This obsession led to all too common negative emotions and built up like the shadow that follows my every move and thought and engulfing me in this despair and rage. Soon I was revealed the answer that was staring me in the face like a snake and it bit. It bit harder than anything I had felt in my life and it consumed me with the venom it had. I began to write my feelings here but I stopped in the end because I... just could not do it, I realize how selfish I was being and could not handle it.
Soon I did not realize that she seen what little I wrote. She left a hint of this in her own way and deafening silence was left for me to think of when to confront her. Every day I dreaded confronting her until eventually I was given a push in the right direction. I admitted my feelings and how much of a coward I really am for what I did. All I wanted was things to go back to the way they were though really I just made it nearly impossible. The truly painful thing about this is I did this once before to a friend I really cared about and hurt them as well.
It made me realize how often I had been repeating my mistakes for some time and how it has held me back and lately, making me very indecisive and foolish in my life as it has been if you can call it a life. She has forgiven me for what I had done though however, I have not forgiven myself for being this foolish so called man who can never seem to move on nor truly learn from his mistakes. However, to some degree, you can call it courage to admit to yourself what you truly are. For the simple reason alone, no one is perfect we all do these things that makes us question who we truly are or who we are afraid to become. Logic and rationality don't go hand in hand with emotions nor the impulses that come with the species.
I need to face myself again and figure out how I can get out of this loop that I have made and finally move on with my life without having these things happening again and again and holding me back till there is no more left of me. I can't however face these battles on my own anymore since I have grown dependent on others. Though maybe out there I will find someone who will give me the willpower needed to win these battles but right now I will hold off until then.
*sigh* I can breathe easier now that I let that out. This will help me move on just alittle bit more every inch I can make.
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